6 posts tagged “november”

I thought it was a while since I took some photos of myself. Some people say it's egoistic, but I think it's kind of fun.

My gosh it was such long time since I added photos. iI have to be better on taking photos more often. Before I did I guess I haven't had time to do that now. But things are about to change, that is good. I have moved around the furniture in my apartment so now I feel "at home" feels good. The video is kind of crappy so there is two photos too as you can see..

I feel so different, like everything before "now" is soo awkward that I dont even want to think about it. I realize I look different too. My hair is so long that 'I almost have to have it cut, and it's darker too, besides that I really have to do something about it because.. hahah! I could look better..I won't even show you

 

 

I saw a ferris wheel, I love them. And then I bought a new skirt on H&M 149kr, really cheap. What did I do next? The company for which I work for had "forgot" tp pay my salary, wasn't the first time. Since Christmas is in this month I don't work as much as I have done, that means less money. I realized that I had no money at all, because I had to buy contact lenses and then I had to go to the dentist, and fix my car so I had to take a loan (studie lån). That is possible because I study and you can do that to finance your studied, the interest charge is not high at all, and like 99.9% of all students take this loan. I just haven't done that because I was working, but that almost takes too much energy I mean to go to school during the days and work in the evenings. Or maybe I should say I have realized that now. My job wasn't even well paid 3300kr/month that is like 100kr/hour = 14,5 $ or 480$/month - You can't live on that.

 

 

I found this "hand" that I got from my sister.. I think it was last year. I kind of like it. When I was at my grandma's last week she asked my dad and me if we couldn't go down in the basement to check if it smelled like bad in there (she is selling her house and wanted to know, and didn't dare to go down there herself), and so we did. My god! we went through that hole, that was like insane. Haha! Looks like a dungeon!

 

 And to end this I REALLY like this candy, like the color and the taste. I try not to think of what it's made of..:)

 

Ok! I don't know if I have come to some kind of conclusion. (I'm going to use weird words and I guess it might be difficult to understand what I'm trying to say) But at least I'm not as angry as I was yesterday. We had a seminar about "growing in meetings" "Väx i möten", (How you can grow as a person in meetings you have with people you meet in your daily life), that was what it was meant to be about, but the only thing the lecturer talked about was "deep meetings". That was too deep for me! I bet that people would say that I don't know anything about deep talk or meetings, but right now it feels like I have had enough! I'm not in the mood for deep talk or "deep meetings" that don't give me anything in return. That is very egoistic in some way, but true.

When it comes to the friends problem I think that I can do something, I can say what I feel. But sometimes that is hard, and not appropriate. Sometimes people that you know are in a bad mood, or more the-opposite-of-being-filled-with-energy than usual. I respect that. I do. I don't blame anyone even though it might seem like I do.

What I realized was that I was angry so I let that feeling come and go, and it worked so much better than it usually does. I'm not angry anymore. But my point is that I guss that I'm angry too often and that might be a reason to why I grid my teeth and have this jaw/ear problem. So now I have to investigate what this might be about. Since I have had this teeth/jaw problem for like 2 years it must be something old, but it started to get annoying and painful last October. So I guess I have to think about what I did then, hahah! It's crazy to think about things like this I know, haha!

The question is if I'm afraid of those deep meetings, because they are like gambling. You put something in and you can get something in return, but you can never be sure about that so that. I'm not afraid to lose anything, it's just that..hahah! I don't know. I don't think I have that problem, nope. Just in some situations. This has to be continued too..

 

It is always better to write about things that are enjoying and in some way fun, or enjoying or I think you know what I mean even though I can't find the word. It's better to write about things that make you happy, because that makes you appreciate those things even more. Writing about things that make you sad is sometimes not as good, it makes you feel worse. I mean it doesn't make others feel better either. But there is one thing that makes me kind of sad, and it's not that fun. Or maybe I should say, I don't know how to comprehend it. I know one thing that people often say, and that is that I'm boring. A boring person, boring, boring. That is because I don't smoke and I barely don't drink. Drink that is what Swedish people do, every weekend. Something they can't understand is why I don't. That is boring, and then they feel like they can't talk to me because that would be like a suicide, I mean that would totally make them boring persons

This, again, makes me think about what a good friend is or what a good friend is not. I know that I can be a pain in the ass sometimes, I know that. I'm lazy, because I like when I can do little by doing less..but at the same time I'm ambitious. I like to be there for people and I like when they call me and want to talk or something. It's not that, because I really like that. I like to care about people I like. But then comes the question: How much can I expect from them? Can I expect them to answer the phone if I call? Can I expect them to remember my birthday? To kind of respect me for who I am? This has nothing to do with that they have to agree with me or "adjust" themselves. I don't expect anyone to listen to me when I call if they don't have time, or to pick up the phone if they are busy, but I think I expect them to call back or send a text, asking me why I called..I don't call very often, and when I do it's not very often because I want to "talk", that is 1 or 2 times out of ten. Logically it feels like that is something you actually can expect (I'm thinking about the two last statements), but I don't know. Every time I expect something and it doesn't turn out as I expected I sometimes get kind of sad, in those kind of situations. But now I don't know if I'm expecting too much? Or do I have to change and be like the others? This is why I always have wanted to move abroad, I don't feel like a "true" Swede, I mean why is that. I was born here, all my relatives live here, and none of the are from any other country then Sweden. 

Now I'm thinking that I maybe should do something to do something about this problem, because i guess this have been a problem for too long. That is never anything good, I promise you, not for me. But what should I do? So I'm thinking what would my family and friends probably tell me? That the easiest way is to change and be normal, do as normal people do, don't care about everything, live the life you have and be satisfied with that. But what if that is not what I want to do. I have left old friends for new ones and kept on doing that for the last 10 years or so, and that is kind of wearying. You learn a lot you win some and you lose some, but you learn. I guess I'm really tired now because I'm just writing. But this is so irritating. What is the problem? I guess there is. Now I'm choosing to look for solutions instead of the root to the problem, but maybe that is a stupid idea. Maybe I should learn from my mistakes and do it in another way this time. I guess lecturer thought me pretty much today, even though he is something that I don't like and don't want to be. I should have said thanks, I regret it. I learned something more today. I think I realize what people are talking about when they say "energy". To be continued.